disclaimer: this is NOT a happy post so i suggest you NOT read on if you're looking for a happy girl.

sometimes i wish i was a robot with no emotions, i think it would definitely make life easier. there's just too much 'drama' in my life right now, and it's speeding like a train wreck towards the limit of some sort of emotional or mental breakdown...i can feel it. i'm starting to drink more, and when i DO drink, i like to drink really fast so that i can feel the effects faster, so that i can laugh, be rambunctious and act like everything is alright.

i'm not really happy anymore, and this is terrible because when people ask me how everything is and how i am, i can't even say a fake 'great!' because i'm feeling THAT bad, that i'll just start babbling about what's wrong at the time, and frankly, i can see the scared expression on their faces, and their concern hurts me because i don't like to burden people with my troubles.

the worst thing is that the type of person that i am, i don't have many REALLY close friends (tons of acquaintences) and even less close girlfriends, but i can only count two that are even remotely close enough to see right now, and only one of them do i see on a regular basis. all the others are abroad, or out of town...and it's scaring me so much how i'm feeling like i'm losing my backbone and strength from them.

summer time is about having fun and this is the prime of my life to be out and about being a sub-adult and growing up. instead, i'm feeling so cloistered and smothered and i'm having difficulty from doing something really drastic. and i'm really afraid that the consequences will NOT be a pretty sight. i'm this close to losing it...i need something to break my fall, but what...i have no clue...