i just found two more articles on a paper that was due today, i also just had 5 spring rolls, and about 8 handfuls of nuts, washed down with diet cola from costco...am i pregnant?!?!?! i'm a wreak. i think i'm pregnant.

i can't decide what is more exhausting...to go out partying or to study!  after a weekend of late LATE nights and then a test monday, i'm just soooooo tired!  i don't know how you people do it.  i lost half my voice after the evanescence concert, and i have a little teeny cold that i only know i have because i have the sniffles.  juju's account of the concert is pretty accurate, so no elaboration needed there.  

jacob's birthday bash at lucidworld was pretty good.  well, except for the part where the hip hop room was MUCH too small for the amount of people that wanted to dance in there, and it was hot, crowded and LOUD, but it was all for fun's sake.  of course, there was the usual drama before hand, which included simone forgetting her driver's license at home, so we had to go get it, and then she somehow left it in the fridge...(don't ask...it's too much to handle.) as well, tanaks was missing most of the day and we didn't know if we should pick her up or what, but she somehow turned up at my place while we were out getting simone's license, and mom was all freaked out when the doorbell rang because she had just showered and was in her pj's.  (hahaha, i'm sorry, but that was just too funny!)  having the girls there was nice because it's been awhile since we've all been out together...montreal in august will be interesting!  ;p

friday was georges' bbq of steaks and wine (+ beer), and we had such an amazing time there, i don't know why we didn't stay longer!  the house he's staying at is GORGEOUS, with his own plasma tv, a rooftop patio and the whole house to himself!  it was really good seeing the sorbara guys as i hadn't seen them in sooooo long!  lauren and lisa were there too, as well as some of the guys' girlfriends so there was a nice mix of girls and guys.  steve and chad showed up to pick up simone and i, so we could all give jacob (mr. birthday boy) his presents that i so enjoyed shopping for.  shopping is so theraputic for me...especially since i was so excited when i bought the most gorgeous pair of heels at aldo with tanaka...oh my poor bank account...and on borrowed money too!  hahahaha. 

i'm happy to say the weather held out for my outtings so i'm quite content.  my only other goal this summer is to hit up a beach sometime before school begins.  i've been wandering around the house with my bikini top on in hopes that the weather would be nice enough and that we'd have the time to go out...sooon...

cat, you don't even want to know how long and hard i laughed when i got your "long glance", i WILL definitely send you some stupid silly emails (i have a bad habit of forgetting to do that) i hope you're having a great time in spain!  i love reading about your excavation accounts!  ;p  oh, and don't forget to drink for me too!  please, if you have time, send me a hot boy home, k?  mwah!  hahahaha. 

what an exciting and funfilled weekend.  it included a wicked ass bbq with a high patio and st. mike's friends, a night of clubbing at lucidworld with some abbey girls and the jacob crowd, and an evanescence concert with my sister and cousins that just blew me away.  i have a test tomorrow that i should start studying for so i'll probably have more time to spend on more of the highlights afterwards.  there was just an episode that bothered me and i needed to get it off my chest. 
 
perfect by nature
icons of self indulgence
just what we all need
more lies about a world that
 
never was and never will be
have you no shame?
don't you see me?
you know you've got everybody fooled
 
look here she comes now
bow down and stare in wonder
oh how we love you
no flaws when you're pretending
but now i know she
 
never was and never will be
you don't know how you've betrayed me
and somehow you've got everybody fooled
 
without the mask
where will you hide?
can't find yourself
lost in your lies
 
i know the truth now
i know who you are
and i don't love you anymore
 
it never was and never will be
you don't know how you've betrayed me
and somehow you've got everybody fooled
 
it never was and never will be
you're not real and you can't save me
somehow now you're everybody's fool
 
- evanescence
 
this is for you, you know who you are and i hope you get it.  if you don't know who you are or you don't get it, well too bad.  that just means you don't know me and if you think about it...you're not worth my time and effort. 

i went to a rehabilitation orientation at the university center, and i'm looking forward to playing for the geriatric ward. the coordinator was so excited when she found out that i teach piano. hahaha, i'll never get away from playing piano...

hahahahaha...what was i thinking when i said a couple posts back that i'd have so much time on my hands and nothing to do? well, as immanuel said to me today "i'm too busy socializing!" that being said, it's great to see immanuel, i don't see him enough! i love catching up...all i do is chatter away...hahahaha!

it's true, it's so bad, but i'm having friends asking me out to go places but i'm having such a hard time keeping track of what and when, that i've been forced to bust out a mini-calendar to keep me on track (yes, you all know the purple/orange notebook that i use during the year...i was trying to steer clear of THAT! that's heavy duty organizing!) maybe i should just post an online calendar and people can fill in their own time slots! ;p

georges is planning a bbq at the house he's sitting for, and we met up yesterday, and man...i haven't seen that boy in AGES!!!!! since before the end of exams?!?!?! i went to japan, he went to guadeloupe...and now we're BACK! whoo! i forgot how much fun we are when we get together! soooo.....bbq friday!

But you gotta make choices, be wrong or right,
Sometimes you've got to sacrifice the things you like,
But I was born to try

- delta goodrem

i'm so happy that i'm seeing people i haven't seen in such a long time. i find that we're all so busy, that sometimes we lose contact with people by accident...and then it comes to a point when you don't feel right contacting them, so out of the blue...gotta keep the people you love around...and sometimes it involves effort, without trying you'll get nothing...nothing falls in your lap, you've got to try...

there's an angel watching over you...

i can't sleep. i keep thanking god over and over again for having an angel watch out for one of my loved ones. what i would do without her i have no idea. i'm so grateful that the boys were there to keep her company and make sure she was ok, i love those boys. i know, jacob keeps telling me over and over not to kick myself and no one's to blame, freak accidents happen. but somehow i still think over in my head, the many stupid things that lead to this circumstance...definitely gives a different perspective as to how i take this world for granted. i'll cherish my loved ones with a deeper passion and greater respect, and not dwell on the little petty and selfish people who aren't worth a penny for their thoughts.

life goes on, it's how you make the most of it that counts...

guess where i am? that's right...school...well, gerstein to be specific. i really enjoy the libraries (well, the university as a whole) during the summer time because there are WAYYYYYYYY less people (i hate crowds...). yup, i just got another indicator of how u of t wants to screw me over. on the bright side, 9 more half courses and i'm out of here!

i've been rudely jolted out of my summer dream of just relaxing and no worrying. HA. why i even think that could happen is beyond me. i guess it's one of those "you gotta dream" kinda things. anyway, the point is, i was informed quite bluntly that i'm not being serious enough about my projects and that if i don't shape up, i'm going to be a deadweight. #1. it's fucking summertime, and this project is a work in progress STARTING in september but not even due to start until JANUARY. #2. this has me seriously considering if i WANT to stay on this project if i'm going to pushed around and made to feel awful all year round, and #3. i've come to the sad realization that i really don't have the same love and devotion to my college that i once had in my innocent first year, and maybe it IS for the best if i resign now.

this along with another self-discovery: sometimes no matter how hard you try to keep things afloat, sometimes it's best to let things go. i've exhausted myself trying to keep up with my friends and family, and suddenly it's clear that while i can go out of my way to be a good person, friend and daughter, not everyone is on the same level. i can't continue killing myself to make selfish people happy, it's time i put myself first and make ME happy. of course this is going to be difficult, it's hard to put a philosophy into play, but i have good friends and family that are willing to help me in this "change".

on another note: it's interesting how small our world is. steve, simone and i found ourselves shopping at promenade mall yesterday after the movie we wanted to see (the notebook, oh yes, you can laugh at that) was sold out. we walked into jean machine and while simone was trying on some clothes, the salesgirl approached me and asked "so...are you going out with jason?" i stared back at her (like she was crazy) and informed her that no i wasn't dating jason (for the record, i don't know any jason's), and for that matter, i wasn't dating anyone! she apologized and said she asked because i looked familiar. fine, we all had a good laugh and steve and i continued waiting for simone. then the salesgirl came BACK and asked if i was SURE i wasn't dating anyone, and i said i'm pretty sure...and then she came around AGAIN and asked if i wasn't sitting on the lawn the other day. at the last question, i suddenly remembered that yes, i WAS sitting on my neighbor's lawn on monday evening with JACOB, but how the hell she knew that, i had no idea...until she told me that she was the girl sitting in the back seat of greg's car (with greg and terry) when they were passing by! it's funny because i didn't get a good look at her that night so there was no way i could ever had recognized her, and then when simone mentioned that steve was a friend of greg and jacob, she didn't recognize steve and only about AN HOUR later did steve realize who she was.

it's a small world after all...

the weather has been gorgeous and it's making me really excited about hitting up a beach or a cottage up north! i want to suntan! simone and i even bought the cutest bikini's at aqua the other day, so now i need an excuse to wear it! ;p

my computer is being stupid again. it won't let me log into ANYTHING. no hotmail, no utoronto account, no gmail, no blogger...no matter, i have two other computers to mess around with. hahaha. but i know this inconvenience will eventually drive me crazy.

after shopping all friday afternoon (hence the new bikini's!!!!), simone and i accidently mooched a sushi dinner off of patty and her 2 friends that came in from the states! (i say accidentally because we were fully going to pay for the meal but ken and matt decided they would treat us ladies...who's to say no to that? ;p) it was really nice of them as the sushi place we went to wasn't exactly CHEAP, but the food was good, and the guys ordered cold sake wine...oh man, i got sooooo giggly it was so funny!

afterwards, simone came over and we watched a couple of episodes of sex and the city (that's our goal, to watch the whole series this summer..hahaha) before we headed out at 10:30pm to jordon's house party. this is the best part...jordon lives 2 mins away in my neighbourhood, and you can't even imagine how great it is to just walk out of the house and walk to a party. it's a lot different then going to a party downtown toronto where you have factor in the time it takes to go DOWN and back UP and plus the subway and buses...just the biggest headache in the world, which is why i hate going out sometimes!

jordon is one of the nicest people i've ever met. he and his parents are so gracious and they don't even care who comes over (for the record, i met his mother before i met him...long story...involves dragging jacob out to vote with me...). simone and i literally walked up to the house, opened the front door, and walked right in (for all we knew, we could have been in the wrong house!) jordon's mom went out and bought chasers for everyone in hopes that we wouldn't be hungover the next day! right, so who's everyone? well steve took the liberty in inviting us over, as well as some other queen's people, and along with brandon, chad and greg, i met some more of jacob's highschool guys including alex (so cute!), lenny and niv. scary guy mark dropped by as well, and my only regret is that we missed out on seeing the infamous lucy and adam! greg was so nice, he insisted on driving us home (like it's far away or something...) and the rest of the night was devoted to 6 more episodes of season one SC.

i went in for a TB skin test yesterday, and somehow also found myself taking a blood test as well. it was my very first time i've ever done one of those, but it's really not that bad...i know grace HATES needles and all i've heard are stories of people holding to every limb while someone else does the blood test, but really, other then the slightly nausating sound of the squirting blood at the end (haha, sorry if that was gross) i feel that i'll be ok for future blood tests.

ah alright, to end on a non-gross note...today we're all going out to celebrate grandma's 90th birthday, whooo...something to dress up for! hahaha.

happy birthday canada!

what did i do to celebrate my nationality? i browsed through douglas coupland's souvenir of Canada 2 that's sitting ames' desk. wow do i feel canadian... haha.

i'm feeling pretty relaxed now that the field report's done and the bellringer is over (oh but the bellringer was brutal...). went to see the producers with my family last night and then on the subway ride home, we happened to run into aunt gen and uncle ron. interesting conversations arose and ended with an upset sister and me feeling retarded and stupid as usual...not cool.

today i went over to simone's and seeing how it was a GORGEOUS day outside, we walked over to commerce gate (hwy 7 and leslie) to have bubble tea, and of course, seeing as i don't see her enough (haha) we had a great long conversation as per usual and then watched some of mandy moore's cheesy chasing liberty...and when i say cheesy, i MEAN IT.

it's going to be quite interesting to see how i fare the upcoming week as i'll have absolutely nothing to do...and it's been a very long time since i've had THAT kind of feeling...

i really SHOULD start my field report...after all, it's due tomorrow...whatever, i'll get to that after i blog...maybe... ;p

congratulations to flo and alan on a great bbq, although i can't say much about the food, for some odd reason i was particularly full last night *wink* and i don't know how to explain it, but i think flo lost me and matthew for a bit there...where did we go? i say we were in the basement watching the simpsons the whole time, i think flo was just too drunk to see us! *gasp* hahaha. also, i wish i knew the kids were going to be there so that i could bring michelle's yarn ball with me, as well as pictures from japan...i think we still need to meet up to go over the pictures some time!

so let me tell you about the fabulous time i had at the docks on friday...went over to simone's after work and dinner with the folks, and met up with steve, brandon, chad, richard and sajel (birthday girl) at the docks. great music + smirnoff raspberry twist (new favorite drink) + shot of something steve bought = a hell of a good time! at least i can say this time that i really did dance! (flashback to halloween...hahahaha) jacob came by after work to buy sajel a couple more shots and then he was kind of enough to come home with me as the subway stopped running.

dad bought tickets to the terracotta warriors show playing at the elgin theatre and we went to that on tuesday. ames was wondering how good it would be but i think we all throughly enjoyed the show. i think i enjoyed the movement of the long flowing robes that the dancers/actors wore and even though the music was of the traditional chinese kind with drums and strings and even an opera singer, it was really great to hear and see. i definitely recommend people to see it!

travel update:
cat and shelley are leaving wednesday, i think i need to see those girls again before they go!!!!! *tear* and i think i'll be seeing ava sometime this week, as she's off to japan next week! on the bright side, georges should be back tomorrow and i think we're supposed to go out (?!?!) plus faye should be back from france sometime soon...

ok, so it doesn't look like this field report will write itself...too bad.

disclaimer: this is NOT a happy post so i suggest you NOT read on if you're looking for a happy girl.

sometimes i wish i was a robot with no emotions, i think it would definitely make life easier. there's just too much 'drama' in my life right now, and it's speeding like a train wreck towards the limit of some sort of emotional or mental breakdown...i can feel it. i'm starting to drink more, and when i DO drink, i like to drink really fast so that i can feel the effects faster, so that i can laugh, be rambunctious and act like everything is alright.

i'm not really happy anymore, and this is terrible because when people ask me how everything is and how i am, i can't even say a fake 'great!' because i'm feeling THAT bad, that i'll just start babbling about what's wrong at the time, and frankly, i can see the scared expression on their faces, and their concern hurts me because i don't like to burden people with my troubles.

the worst thing is that the type of person that i am, i don't have many REALLY close friends (tons of acquaintences) and even less close girlfriends, but i can only count two that are even remotely close enough to see right now, and only one of them do i see on a regular basis. all the others are abroad, or out of town...and it's scaring me so much how i'm feeling like i'm losing my backbone and strength from them.

summer time is about having fun and this is the prime of my life to be out and about being a sub-adult and growing up. instead, i'm feeling so cloistered and smothered and i'm having difficulty from doing something really drastic. and i'm really afraid that the consequences will NOT be a pretty sight. i'm this close to losing it...i need something to break my fall, but what...i have no clue...

i look back on yesterday's post i'm thinking "wow that was so stupid, posting a blog about how drunk i am" but really, it was so much fun! just for the record, i was SO NOT HUNGOVER this morning (whew!), but i can't speak for either steve or simone, who were popping advils and drinking coffee on the subway! ;p

how stupid could I be
a simpleton could see
that you're no good for me
but you're the only one I see

- sarah mclachlan "stupid"

HA! i am SOOOO WASTED right now....it's great! can you imagine? only 2 raspberry smirnoff twists and a shot of liquid cocaine (it's a drink) and i'm sooooo good to go. jacob and chad got to the bar about half an hour ago and they couldnt stop laughing at how gone i was...and simone and steve were like "rah!"

anyway, i have school tomorrow...goddamn school...

so this week was "abbey" week. had a great dinner at salad king with faye on wednesday, i haven't seen her since new years. also saw our very pregnant friend, romeila (who i haven't seen since she left about 11 months ago to go to ottawa) and now she's back, 8 months pregnant and only married a month ago...i know...crazy! and then tanaks came back from kingston this weekend so we hit up money last night with faye and jamie (who i also haven't seen since god-knows-when). we were supposed to see karina and cha but they ended up going down to see some "northwest" music set thingy that was going on so i guess i'll see them some other time when tanaka comes in again.

awww, i feel so shitty right now. my "friend" decided to show up RIGHT before i went out last night. at that point i realized why i've been so moody lately. it was weird because i had gone out friday night with jacob and ames, and i'd get upset so easily but not really know the real cause of being mad. it just really sucks how hormones can take over your life and blow you away.

whoa what a crazy night. thanks so much to jacob and henry for coming to the rescue. no thanks to my crazy parents who wouldn't stop freaking out. really, how old am i? i think i'll always be 12 with them, and it's getting quite frustrating to open my own wings and fly...that's another rant for another blog...

as human beings, a common requirement is that we all do stupid things, but the best thing that shows up through all the stupidness is you find out who are your friends and who are not. i've had my fair share (tequila rose, girls? *shudder* ;p) and luckily for me, my girls are always with me thinking for me when i cannot.

simone needed me last night, and i was there to help her. mind you, i don't have a car, but that didn't stop me. jacob unfortunately could not be reached earlier, so i had my other friend, henry come to the rescue. sure, it was late at night, and i was ready to hit the sack, but hey, that's what friends do...look out for each other.

the 'episode' had a happy ending, but unfortunately, through it all, my parents had to be asses. i'm not going into the details but all i have to say is i don't agree with their morals and i'm not sure how i feel about being open to them anymore. i only wish they could be more supporting and more helpful, but i guess you can't have everything, eh? all i have to say, is if ANY of my friends ever need my help, they shouldn't worry about being judged or not having me watch their back (well, unless i'm in the same situation).

last night definitely opened up my eyes a little bit more to other people's closed minded views.

ew ew ewww!! (note to self: don't watch movies like 'something's gotta give' or 'calendar girls'...)
watching a movie with keanu reeves kissing diane keaton is just really really gross!

oh i spent too much money at the muhtadi drummer's festival at queen's park today. but it was pure good times as we stayed there from 12 noon to around 7:30pm. yah, there was some really awesome drumming (jamaican, caribbean, and even chinese dragon drumming!) and good food, and at 4pm there was a D-Day celebration on the other side of queen's park where we got to see a glimpse of dalton mcguinty and david miller. there was even a beer tent set up so that we could go and have a bottle of steamwhistle (which i just found out is made in the roundabout by the AC, and that is just really really cool!)

i'm exhausted. must be all that walking...huh...

guess what? tee and i had our frosh coordinator interview today and......we didn't get it. =(

oh well, life is full of shits and giggles, and i guess this is a big piece of poo. on the bright side, i'll be able to go on vacation with parents in august (oh wait...how is that a good things?) BUT it also means i have more time to do...other stuff...

oh whatever. i wish i was still in japan.

i advise anyone with nothing better to do this summer to definitely go and see shrek 2. it had me in stitches the whole entire time! another movie i really want to see is the terminal with tom hanks and catherine zeta jones...she actually looks very pretty with the short hair and bangs.

it's been a weird couple of days. yesterday i had this uncontrollable desire to eat junk food, so i went out with my sister to buy a bag of chips...turns out you can buy one bag of lays for $2 but you can buy 3 bags for only $5...you can guess which deal i went for! but after having nearly an entire bag of chips to myself...i think i've sated THAT craving for awhile...not to mention having a reese's piece's blizzard from dairy queen today (flo, matt and i snuck ours into the theatre, but of course flo decided to leave the theatre again and BROUGHT her snack with her...and got in a fight with the girl about bringing outside food into the theatre...)i think my craving for ice cream has also been fed.

i also went insane with my debit card today. we had a test in class, and afterwards i told my mom it was a nice day and i wanted to walk outside for a bit before i came home...turns out walking outside means walking inside the jacob store at the manulife centre...that place just sucks me in like a vacuum cleaner...i bought the cutest pair of cargo pants...(they roll up at the side!) as well as a new PINK purse, and of course...the staple jacob underwear! they have this new line with really cool, bright colors and a little flower on the left side!

why is it so easy to spend money, yet so difficult to make it? if anyone has an answer to that, i'd love to know!

i hate brinkster because my website is now officially dead.

i am currently too stunned out of my mind to bitch about it, but at the back of my head, i'm thinking it might be alright...i haven't lost any of the pictures, the template's just empty...maybe it's an indication that it's time to move on, time for a change, start something new. i'm thinking i'll stick up some japan scenery especially the gorgeous statutes!

ames' has already offered to design a new webpage for me, afterall, last time she designed an amazing blog page but the url was all messed up so it didn't work out...i have full confidence in her to pull of something spectacular!

anyway, i can't dwell on this right now cuz i'm supposed to be *studying* hahahaha....

guess who's going to the evanescence concert july 18th?!?!?!?! *point fingers at me* i'm so excited! i haven't gone to a concert since coldplay last summer, so this will definitely be a treat! oh, and just on the offside, their new music video, everybody's fool is just amazing...bashing the overly materialistic/capitalistic north american culture...i love their music videos.

i'm definitely tired and moody right now...human beings are such weird creatures, it's hard to figure them out. and you know what? i'm not going to try to because i can barely figure myself out...and until that happens, it looks like everyone else is on their own. don't count on it happening any time soon....

i am soooooo sore from yesterday! (that's right...wink wink! hahaha) nah, i played hockey with the fisherville guys at rockford park (picture little miao playing with 7 other big boys...yeh, i thought so...i can't play hockey!) as soon as i got on the court, jacob decided he wasn't going to look where he was slapsticking the puck, and of course it ended up on me...but the guys are tons of fun, and it does bring back memories of me and the elmsley boys in first year!

i also witnessed the most psycho crazy event today: i randomly ran into my friend, tim, in queen's park (after randomly running into miguel, and cramer at st. mikes) and he was just so stoked about fixing up his bike from spare junk yard parts...and he was telling me about the difference between a spoke and a mag (it's a plastic wheel) and how he was missing a mag for his front tire...yada yada yada...and we were heading over to check out his place where he lives with mike around spadina station when he randomly spied a homeless guy with a wagon...with two wheels...one of them being a mag...and he stopped the homeless dude and asked him if he wouldn't mind exchanging his mag for a spoke...it was so cool! i witnessed this kid take apart, switch, and reassemble his bike wheel and the guy's wagon wheel!

that among other things...i finally met up with tarik and hashim, (this is where i insert that tarik is such a girl! he says he'll be there at 2pm and saunters into starbucks at 4:30pm....rat bastard!...i made him make it up to me by buying me a coffee, and then walking me to the subway station! hahaha!) and of course, they were just complete farts the whole time! it's funny how everytime we're talking, tarik feels the need to inject omar into everything...i'm convinced that he's trying to hook us up! what i don't understand is why he doesn't think i should like hashim! ;p

and the best guy i saw today was mr. joe fazz himself! i think i caught him at a bad moment, as he was trying to bum a ciggie off some lady when i knocked on the glass window next to him and started blowing kisses at him! (priceless!)

oh summer time spells good times!!